my 1st real test…
Written by beeber on September 8, 2007 – 10:02 pm -We have been preparing for today for at least three weeks. When feeding times were tough, we kept telling ourselves…only one more week…three more days. And here we are.
anZel got up at his unpredictable hours (between 6:30 to 7:30) at 6:55 am today. We told him that it’s the first day of school. He said “yes”. We have been telling him for several weeks of what he could expect at school. There would be older kids and Miss Stephanie. Because we know of this girl called Kamie. We even told him that he could play with Kamie.
Since school starts at 8:30 am, I decided that we should be there early so we could make a smooth transition with the teacher. When we arrived about 25 minutes early, the daycare door was still locked. I felt like one of those idiot who tries too hard…even for my own child’s first day at daycare. When the daycare teacher finally let us in, I had to collect myself. I started crying a bit out of control.
Once we were in the room, anZel started feeling a bit uneasy. It was like he knew what was going on, that this time is not just a visit. It was like he knew that we will leave without him. He became more clingy and wanted to be held the whole time. When dAd finally got him to sit down to play, I dashed out of there before I made a scene of myself. He never cried before we left.
Throughout the day, I kept wondering how anZel was. Was he crying for me? Was he having his snack? Would he be able to take a nap in a stranger’s house? It would have been easier if he were home. I could call grandma and ask. She would give me every details of the day, including poop texture! My busy day prevented me from calling the daycare to ask.
anZel was the last one to leave today. He was in one of the teacher’s arms sucking in his breathe. He looked relieved to see us. The teachers told us that he cried quite a bit during the day. One of them told us that he is a reasonable child. He wouldn’t fall asleep when all other kids were asleep. So the teacher told him that he needs to be quiet. He sat sobbing but didn’t make a scene. He wouldn’t let the teacher hug him but he didn’t want her to leave his side either.
During the day, I kept thinking about what would anZel think when he cries for me and I wasn’t there for him? I have never thought I would give a part of myself like this. As I watch him fall asleep tonight, I wish he was still part of me physically.
When I look into anZel’s eyes each night this week, there is a certain sadness. His behavior has changed. He cries when he doesn’t get what he wants, which is unusual for him. We used to be able to distract him with toys or stories before, not this week. He also hasn’t slept well for the whole week. One night in particular, he cried for two hours for me. And there is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing his coarse voice after a long day of crying. dAd and I talked about how hard it has been for him…being in an environment which no one understands him (most of the teachers speak English, Mandarin and Spanish and anZel only speaks/understands Cantonese), yet we can’t seem to stop this moving train. We have started daycare for him and we can’t go back. Does he know that going to daycare isn’t a punishment? Will he eventually enjoy going to daycare?
future psychiatric assistance: $100/hr
endless guilt: priceless
September 9th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Hi Bernice,
My eyes started to tear up while reading your blog. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you and for Anzel. You are both wonderful parents. Hang on there, he will get use to it.
I am not looking forward to the day when I have to send Andrew to the daycare, I know I will make a scene
Laura