second chance
Written by beeber on November 5, 2007 – 9:41 am -The thought of being able to have a second chance to do it again came after my complete failure in breastfeeding with anZel. However, that’s not why we are having Arden. I remember having such strong feeling about being able to try it one more time, just one more chance to feel like I can be a mother who can provide for her child (“Breast is best” was my sole inspiration.) Then the challenges of anZel’s many health issues knocked the wind out of me and I realized I don’t need an 18 year commitment to “make things right.”
My older brother and I had a rough start as siblings. Grandma took care of him until his early teens. We were together for a mere eight years before going our separate ways for schools. Nonetheless, we became closest friends as adults. I can’t say how proud I am to have such a brother and how tremendously blessed I am to have him in my life. Since this is the only family structure I know, I had my heart set on having a girl after having a boy. For the first four months of this pregnancy, I secretly hoped that it would be a girl but didn’t want to influence the being developing within me. I kept asking myself what if it’s a boy. I am already a minority at work. Would I want to be a minority at home as well? The day before the ultrasound, I had a dream. Well, it felt like a nightmare. In the dream, the technician told me that it was a boy. I SCREAMED at the top of lungs “NOOOO.” The next day, I chatted nervously with the technician while watching careful from her facial expressions for signs of abnormalities. Then she said, “Looks like a girl.” I was shocked that I got what I have been wishing for all along. In my surprise, I kept asking if she was sure and wondering if she missed the “third” leg some how. She must have thought I was a total wacko wanting a girl but looking for the “third” leg.
Since the technician was only able to give me an over 50% chance for a girl, I waited for the second ultrasound confirmation to clean out anZel’s clothes. Once I had a relatively solid confirmation from the midwife, I took an afternoon off to clean out anZel’s clothes and brought out all the hand-me-downs from my niece. It was a sea of pink in the spare bedroom. I hadn’t seen so many shades of pink since my early teens! Then I started wondering if I know how to take care of a girl. So far, I am only familiar with being sprayed on. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to baby girl. For a few moments, dealing with something I am familiar with sounded more appealing. But then, I thought about how much fun it would be to venture to the girl section of the store…rows and rows of girl’s clothes instead of a few racks of blue, dark green, brown and blue slacks and T-shirts.
I thought about what a new experience I would have with this little being growing inside. I know what it’s doing yet I don’t. This will be an adventure for me as well as her. Part of me wants her to be different from anZel, especially the eating and sleeping. Part of me knows that it’s all out of my control. She will be who she will be. We will both learn together, along the way, we share tears and joy.
Posted in Arden, General |
November 5th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I cannot WAIT to meet this beautiful little girl. She will be an absolute joy.