anZel/Arden

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

to dAd

The spider, dropping down from twig,
Unwinds a thread of his devising;
A thin, premeditated rig
To use in rising.

And all the journey down through space,
In cool descent, and loyal-hearted,
He builds a ladder to the place
From which he started.

Thus I, gone forth, as spiders do,
In spider’s web a truth discerning,
Attach one silken strand to you
For my returning.

by E.B.White

joy of motherhood >> 1q; y2

anZel has entered a new stage in his life. He has mastered one of the most powerful words in the world in English, Cantonese and Mandarin. That is “NO”. He dispenses generously it loud and clear throughout the day. Sometimes, it feels as if that’s the only word he knows. He has started to do more imaginary play recently. A couple days ago, he dropped a folded letter on the hardwood floor, put his right foot on it and said he was riding on a skateboard. I was shocked but proud of how creative he was with just a piece of paper. He has taken interest in cooking as well. He would put his little rubber ball in a scope, lay the scope on the apple of his Apple computer, push the button for the TV (next to his computer) and says he is cooking his meatball on the stove.

Over the Easter weekend, he had his first piece of Jelly Bean. I believed he is hooked for life. Anyone who offers candy will be in good terms with him. On our way to our friend Mike’s house on Easter Sunday, he asked if “Uncle Mike would have candy?” in Cantonese. We said you would have to ask in English. So we practice “Uncle Mike, could I have some candy, please?” Somehow, he was so eager to master the question that he asked for “money”. Nice try, kid!

We are still battling his lack of interest in food, even with bribe. He now weights 24 lbs with all of his clothes on. I have finally given in and let him feed himself several weeks ago. His pediatrician told me that his growth is fine and I should left the food issue alone. “Would you rather him be fat and miserable or thin and happy? he asked. I guess it would be more like anZel would be thin and happy. Mum, on the other hand, would be fat and miserable because relatives and acquaintances constantly hound her why she doesn’t feed her featherweight son.

It has been three and a half months since we welcome Arden home. She remains to be a cute and adorable blob of flesh. I am still amazed that we are blessed with such a beautiful little girl. I often admire the delicate veins under her translucent eyelids when she is asleep. A flash of her gum is pure joy. So far, Arden is a great sleeper. In that sense, I mean she likes to sleep, eat and sleep. If it were up to her, she would like to be held and sleep at all time. Arden’s lethal weapon is her cry. We always give in. Soon all of us will need hearing aids.

In preparing my reentry to work, I have started to trained Arden to nap in her bassinet. It has been five days. She has adapted remarkably well. After I swaddled her this afternoon, she was out cold in two minutes. Unlike her brother, she is an on-the-dot kind of girl and enjoys her routine.

I will be rid of the title mum of two under two in 14 days,. When I tell people the ages of my children, they often give me this sucks-to-be-you look. After all, the term two under two has drilled into our brains that having two children under two will permanently damage one’s brain (it’s true). So, should I expect the sky to clear after anZel’s second birthday? I doubt it.

I have realized that people (those with and/or without kids) will tell you things will get better. The fact is we are trying to give each other some sort of milestone to look forward to…to see the light at the end of the tunnel. “20 months apart, that’s perfect. They can play together.” “Three years apart is ideal.” “Six years apart works the best.” Really, I don’t think there is a perfect solution for deciding when to have first or second kid. It just all depends. As far as getting better, it also depends. There are benefits and challenges at each age/stage. When they are a blob of flesh, you won’t have to worry about them turning on the gas range. When they are two, you won’t have to worry about feeding them every two hours (for ours, we could skip feeding all together). Recently, I met a dad who has two girls. He told me that all of his summer weekends are booked because he would have to shuttle his girls to soccer practice or other children activities. So, it will get better, in some ways.

In talking to a dear friend today, I whined to her that it’s hard to be a mum. She said “but you have help.” Then I was finally able to tell her why it’s hard to be parents. For me, it’s hard because I can’t bear that there is only one of me when they both cry. No doubt it’s a physically demanding job as mum. All the picking up and rocking the kids have taken toll on my back. I never knew back pain until I have children. But all these can be overcome, especially when I am blessed with two healthy children. The hardest is when anZel wants me to be his playmate and Arden wants to nurse. Since anZel spends at least 40 hours out of the house, I cherish each second he has at home. Soon, I will be back at work. Each second I am at home is doubly precious.

are we there yet?

The house has been plagued with a bug which anZel brought home three weeks ago. Yes. THREE weeks ago. We all had the pleasure of fighting it, including six week old Arden. Last night, anZel threw up in his bed. We saw all his dinner and milk on him, his bed and his jammie. Because he was hungry, he asked to have more milk. He drank 6 oz slowly but threw it all up again a few minutes later.

So, with a six week old coughing like a life time smoker and a 22 month who can’t keep his food down from coughing, we are ready for Spring. Are we there yet? (It’s the first time I like the idea of Global warming. Maybe Spring will be in mid-February?)

breaking up is hard to do

For 29 months, anZel and I were almost inseparable. I could count with two hands the times I was away from him. That’s what makes this past couple months so difficult. For a long time, I can’t quiet understand the little ache in the heart was all about. It has a certain “je nais se quai” feeling to it. The light bulb finally went off. I feel like I am breaking up with anZel, unwillingly.

As I prepare for Arden’s arrival, I have to scale back many things I have done with anZel. The hardest is not being able to pick him up, especially when he asks nicely. Right now, whenever he asks to be picked up, I have to tell him that I am carrying Arden now. Once she is out, I will be able to pick him up more.

I miss being able to sink my face in his neck and get my fix of anZel smell. These days, I am rarely comfortable with him on my lap because of my ever-expanding belly. Being able to have him on lap was one of the things I enjoyed most. I love reading to him or tell him a story when we are physically close together, like we used to. Or when he watches his favorite “hippo” video, I would sneak in as many kisses as I could.

Two month ago, dAd took over the nightly duty of bathing and putting anZel to sleep. The three of us would usually go into his bedroom together to pick out a book or two to read before bed. After we are done, I would kiss him goodnight. Sometimes, I feel like I could give him a million kisses and it still wouldn’t make up for how much I miss him. How could I tell him that I still love him and that this is temporary? Or is it?

anZel has been particularly clingy the past few weeks. We can’t quiet understand whether it’s because he is teething, san-pacifier distress, or my inability to take care of him. He rarely makes a big deal about his afternoon naps during the weekend. Yesterday, he cried hysterically for me. When I went in to comfort him, he kept asking me to hold him. I did and put him back to bed several times. Naturally, he wanted more mum time and asked to be held again and again. I finally had to tell him no more but would stay beside him. I turned on the music while he wet a good size spot on his sheet with his tears. Then I started singing one of the songs I sang to him when he was just a few days old. He finally calmed down and asked me to repeat. With the slats of the crib between us, he held my hand and I gently stroke his forehead. His eyes were calm, gentle and loving…as if to tell me that he knew the song and that he was glad I was there. I sang it again and again until he drifted to sleep. There was one drop of tear left on his right cheek. It was one of the most memorable moments for me lately.

second chance

The thought of being able to have a second chance to do it again came after my complete failure in breastfeeding with anZel. However, that’s not why we are having Arden. I remember having such strong feeling about being able to try it one more time, just one more chance to feel like I can be a mother who can provide for her child (“Breast is best” was my sole inspiration.) Then the challenges of anZel’s many health issues knocked the wind out of me and I realized I don’t need an 18 year commitment to “make things right.”

My older brother and I had a rough start as siblings. Grandma took care of him until his early teens. We were together for a mere eight years before going our separate ways for schools. Nonetheless, we became closest friends as adults. I can’t say how proud I am to have such a brother and how tremendously blessed I am to have him in my life. Since this is the only family structure I know, I had my heart set on having a girl after having a boy. For the first four months of this pregnancy, I secretly hoped that it would be a girl but didn’t want to influence the being developing within me. I kept asking myself what if it’s a boy. I am already a minority at work. Would I want to be a minority at home as well? The day before the ultrasound, I had a dream. Well, it felt like a nightmare. In the dream, the technician told me that it was a boy. I SCREAMED at the top of lungs “NOOOO.” The next day, I chatted nervously with the technician while watching careful from her facial expressions for signs of abnormalities. Then she said, “Looks like a girl.” I was shocked that I got what I have been wishing for all along. In my surprise, I kept asking if she was sure and wondering if she missed the “third” leg some how. She must have thought I was a total wacko wanting a girl but looking for the “third” leg.

Since the technician was only able to give me an over 50% chance for a girl, I waited for the second ultrasound confirmation to clean out anZel’s clothes. Once I had a relatively solid confirmation from the midwife, I took an afternoon off to clean out anZel’s clothes and brought out all the hand-me-downs from my niece. It was a sea of pink in the spare bedroom. I hadn’t seen so many shades of pink since my early teens! Then I started wondering if I know how to take care of a girl. So far, I am only familiar with being sprayed on. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to baby girl. For a few moments, dealing with something I am familiar with sounded more appealing. But then, I thought about how much fun it would be to venture to the girl section of the store…rows and rows of girl’s clothes instead of a few racks of blue, dark green, brown and blue slacks and T-shirts.

I thought about what a new experience I would have with this little being growing inside. I know what it’s doing yet I don’t. This will be an adventure for me as well as her. Part of me wants her to be different from anZel, especially the eating and sleeping. Part of me knows that it’s all out of my control. She will be who she will be. We will both learn together, along the way, we share tears and joy.

pics

future farmer (anZel loves to play with Clifford’s shovel when we visit CDM)

wearing dAd’s hat (he was quite upset at beeber for not giving him the camera)

finally master the block stacking skill (grandma and anZel walked around it for good few hours and preserved for us to see when we came home from work)

word of wisdom

‘Don’t do it once, if you don’t want to do it again’

recent exchange

dAd is an addict. He is addicted to Mac (not the burger), MD (mountain dew) and Starbucks. Recent work load has driven dAd’s caffeine intake to new high.

mImI (that’s how anzel calls me): hay, you got to look out for your MD intake. We need you around when anzel is older!

dAd: Geeze. That doesn’t sound like a compelling reason to stop…

Site upgrade

Spent a bit of time upgrading all of the software for this site. Upgraded to

• Wordpress 2
• Gallery 2.1.2
• WPG2, a plugin for connecting Wordpress and Gallery

Also changed to a new theme which is somewhat minimalistic.

Hope you all like it. Let me know what you think.

I made it

I am finally and officially on maternity leave. I can’t express the excitement of being able to focus on nesting! Since I had to work, I had to hold of on cleaning until weep hours in the morning. It was tough; especially the nesting mode is on!

I look forward to spending time reading, sleeping, cleaning, surfing on the web, writing and exercising…the possibilities!!!