anZel/Arden

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

breaking up is hard to do

For 29 months, anZel and I were almost inseparable. I could count with two hands the times I was away from him. That’s what makes this past couple months so difficult. For a long time, I can’t quiet understand the little ache in the heart was all about. It has a certain “je nais se quai” feeling to it. The light bulb finally went off. I feel like I am breaking up with anZel, unwillingly.

As I prepare for Arden’s arrival, I have to scale back many things I have done with anZel. The hardest is not being able to pick him up, especially when he asks nicely. Right now, whenever he asks to be picked up, I have to tell him that I am carrying Arden now. Once she is out, I will be able to pick him up more.

I miss being able to sink my face in his neck and get my fix of anZel smell. These days, I am rarely comfortable with him on my lap because of my ever-expanding belly. Being able to have him on lap was one of the things I enjoyed most. I love reading to him or tell him a story when we are physically close together, like we used to. Or when he watches his favorite “hippo” video, I would sneak in as many kisses as I could.

Two month ago, dAd took over the nightly duty of bathing and putting anZel to sleep. The three of us would usually go into his bedroom together to pick out a book or two to read before bed. After we are done, I would kiss him goodnight. Sometimes, I feel like I could give him a million kisses and it still wouldn’t make up for how much I miss him. How could I tell him that I still love him and that this is temporary? Or is it?

anZel has been particularly clingy the past few weeks. We can’t quiet understand whether it’s because he is teething, san-pacifier distress, or my inability to take care of him. He rarely makes a big deal about his afternoon naps during the weekend. Yesterday, he cried hysterically for me. When I went in to comfort him, he kept asking me to hold him. I did and put him back to bed several times. Naturally, he wanted more mum time and asked to be held again and again. I finally had to tell him no more but would stay beside him. I turned on the music while he wet a good size spot on his sheet with his tears. Then I started singing one of the songs I sang to him when he was just a few days old. He finally calmed down and asked me to repeat. With the slats of the crib between us, he held my hand and I gently stroke his forehead. His eyes were calm, gentle and loving…as if to tell me that he knew the song and that he was glad I was there. I sang it again and again until he drifted to sleep. There was one drop of tear left on his right cheek. It was one of the most memorable moments for me lately.

second chance

The thought of being able to have a second chance to do it again came after my complete failure in breastfeeding with anZel. However, that’s not why we are having Arden. I remember having such strong feeling about being able to try it one more time, just one more chance to feel like I can be a mother who can provide for her child (“Breast is best” was my sole inspiration.) Then the challenges of anZel’s many health issues knocked the wind out of me and I realized I don’t need an 18 year commitment to “make things right.”

My older brother and I had a rough start as siblings. Grandma took care of him until his early teens. We were together for a mere eight years before going our separate ways for schools. Nonetheless, we became closest friends as adults. I can’t say how proud I am to have such a brother and how tremendously blessed I am to have him in my life. Since this is the only family structure I know, I had my heart set on having a girl after having a boy. For the first four months of this pregnancy, I secretly hoped that it would be a girl but didn’t want to influence the being developing within me. I kept asking myself what if it’s a boy. I am already a minority at work. Would I want to be a minority at home as well? The day before the ultrasound, I had a dream. Well, it felt like a nightmare. In the dream, the technician told me that it was a boy. I SCREAMED at the top of lungs “NOOOO.” The next day, I chatted nervously with the technician while watching careful from her facial expressions for signs of abnormalities. Then she said, “Looks like a girl.” I was shocked that I got what I have been wishing for all along. In my surprise, I kept asking if she was sure and wondering if she missed the “third” leg some how. She must have thought I was a total wacko wanting a girl but looking for the “third” leg.

Since the technician was only able to give me an over 50% chance for a girl, I waited for the second ultrasound confirmation to clean out anZel’s clothes. Once I had a relatively solid confirmation from the midwife, I took an afternoon off to clean out anZel’s clothes and brought out all the hand-me-downs from my niece. It was a sea of pink in the spare bedroom. I hadn’t seen so many shades of pink since my early teens! Then I started wondering if I know how to take care of a girl. So far, I am only familiar with being sprayed on. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to baby girl. For a few moments, dealing with something I am familiar with sounded more appealing. But then, I thought about how much fun it would be to venture to the girl section of the store…rows and rows of girl’s clothes instead of a few racks of blue, dark green, brown and blue slacks and T-shirts.

I thought about what a new experience I would have with this little being growing inside. I know what it’s doing yet I don’t. This will be an adventure for me as well as her. Part of me wants her to be different from anZel, especially the eating and sleeping. Part of me knows that it’s all out of my control. She will be who she will be. We will both learn together, along the way, we share tears and joy.

pics

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future farmer (anZel loves to play with Clifford’s shovel when we visit CDM)

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wearing dAd’s hat (he was quite upset at beeber for not giving him the camera)

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finally master the block stacking skill (grandma and anZel walked around it for good few hours and preserved for us to see when we came home from work)

word of wisdom

‘Don’t do it once, if you don’t want to do it again’

recent exchange

dAd is an addict. He is addicted to Mac (not the burger), MD (mountain dew) and Starbucks. Recent work load has driven dAd’s caffeine intake to new high.

mImI (that’s how anzel calls me): hay, you got to look out for your MD intake. We need you around when anzel is older!

dAd: Geeze. That doesn’t sound like a compelling reason to stop…

Site upgrade

Spent a bit of time upgrading all of the software for this site. Upgraded to

• WordPress 2
• Gallery 2.1.2
• WPG2, a plugin for connecting WordPress and Gallery

Also changed to a new theme which is somewhat minimalistic.

Hope you all like it. Let me know what you think.

I made it

I am finally and officially on maternity leave. I can’t express the excitement of being able to focus on nesting! Since I had to work, I had to hold of on cleaning until weep hours in the morning. It was tough; especially the nesting mode is on!

I look forward to spending time reading, sleeping, cleaning, surfing on the web, writing and exercising…the possibilities!!!

Happy Holidays

80% of the first time moms use epidural

We attended a pain medication class today at Kaiser. One of the interesting facts they mentioned during the class today is that, 80% of the first time moms last month (November) at this Kaiser hospital used epidural!!

That seems like a huge number to me. I would have thought more moms are opting out due to the myths out there.