anZel/Arden

Archive for the ‘Quarterly Review’ Category

joy of motherhood >>y3, 2ndQ

bAlAnce…the fact that it is lacking at the moment or the past three years. I can’t believe I have been a mother for the last three years. After one of the worst meltdown I have had to deal with in the past three years, I reflected on motherhood during my quiet drive home. These time of reflection comes far and few in between. Most of the time, I find myself incapacitated due to lack of energy or brainpower. It feels as if I am doing some sort of rocket science when I try to outwit a 3 years old and a 17.5 months old. It explains why sometimes I feel like I would collapse from exhaustion at 9:30 AM (NOT PM) on the weekend. And sometimes motherhood is this incredible rollercoaster riding of extreme highs and lows.

A perfect example came yesterday. anZel woke up asking for dAd after his afternoon nap. Big tears were coming out of his eyes when I told him that dAd had gone to work. He knew there wouldn’t be videos to watch without dAd because mum had never “seemed” to be able to get the computer to work. I had to keep Mr. Grumpy contained in his room because Arden was asleep. It would be the end of with one child throwing a tantrum and another one without her afternoon nap. There were a lot of pushing and kicking and telling me that he no longer wanted mum. After much holding and telling him, we were finally able to settle on a couple of books. We were even able to practice throwing a bag of diapers in getting our frustration out I was happy that we were able to “redirect” him in channeling his frustration. Once Arden woke up, the three of us were able to play together for a short while.

Since both of them have a variety of allergies, I tend to avoid process food. The children rarely eat candies. For some reason, a couple of leftover lollipops caught anZel’s eyes on the kitchen counter. He asked if he could hold them. He knew better than to eat them. So I gladly offered them for him to hold one on each hand. Then he had asked for another one. I asked if he had three hands. He said “I could put one under my armpit.” And he asked if he could eat one. I said no. He started getting frustrated and used the lollipops to hit me. The rule at home is that if one doesn’t know how to use something (given a couple of warnings), the tool/object would be removed from the holder. So I removed the lollipops and told him that he could have them back in 5 minutes. This just sent him over the edge with lots of hitting, stomping his feet and crying hysterically. I gave more warnings and told him that if he didn’t stop, I would have to put the lollipops in the trash. At the end, the lollipops went into the trashcan in the kitchen. He went digging for them while murmuring “are they in here?”. So they had to go to the big trashcan in the garage. He was so upset that he threw up over himself and me. My white shirt was covered with sour yogurt and cantaloupe. Eventually, we made peace and I told him that I would buy some “home” (allergy-free) lollipops. After we changed into clean clothes, I decided that he could use another hug and some more reassuring words. As I reached down to pick him up, he jumped up with all his might. With his little coconut aimed directly at my jaw, my brain hit the roof of my skull, my mouth closed and my teeth sank into my tongue. I tried all my strength to keep my cool. I found the doorframe and slowly guided myself on the floor. While I didn’t want to scare him, I couldn’t keep the tears coming out of my eyes. I felt blood in my mouth. anZel was in shock as well. I told him that I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me but I needed a moment because it really hurt me. Eventually, I got myself together and walked downstairs with him.

With blood still in my mouth, all three of us went outside for a walk. anZel insisted on riding his scooter and Arden wanted to be on the tricycle. Then Arden wanted to be on the scooter. A few feet down the road, she decided she wanted to go by herself and pushed my hands away. Somehow it didn’t surprise me that she fell and hit her head on the pavement. In order to hurry home, I asked anZel to ride the tricycle home and hold the scooter with one hand and Arden the other. But anZel insisted on hold his sister and ride at the same time. When it proved to be futile, he told me that I must be hold his sister’s hand. He said, “I am on the bike, the cars won’t hit me. Hold sister’s hands (worry about her getting hit).”

As I strained to retell my weekend to my colleagues with my still swollen tongue, there was smile on my face.

Quarterly report >> Y3 3q

For the past two weekends, I have been brave enough to take the children out to the park by myself for a couple of hours. I am happy to say that we all have a grant time. It’s hard to believe that I have come this far. It’s truly the first time I am able to enjoy the children fully and appreciate each of them, together and individually. There was no worry of someone falling off a chair and/or poking one’s eye with a silver wear. We enjoyed the warm fall weather and all that’s around us.

Our time together makes me realize how special the children are meant to me. Before having anZel, I never realized how much one can truly love a child and what it would be like to have someone truly depend on you with his/her life. And I certainly had never imagined being able to have the capacity to love another child just the same. When I hold Arden in my arms, my heart swells with love I have never experienced. She is the poster baby that I have never experienced…her porcelain skin, padded back and chubby fingers.

It has been 30 months since I started this journey. There isn’t a day that I am not grateful for the children I am blessed with. They have taught me a great deal about life. Life is certainly more challenging with the children, however, it’s sweeter and richer because of them. There aren’t words to describe the joy I feel when I see anZel bathing in the afternoon sun with a bowl of his favorite red grapes on his chest on the picnic blanket. There seems to be magic at the end of Arden’s index finger when she points. Most of all, I feel like I could give each children an infinite amount of kisses as well as hugs and still will feel like I can give 10 million more.

This Quarterly report has gone into a half-year report. Many milestones have gone undocumented. Part of me feels guilty of letting it all slips away. It’s so true that time goes fast when you have children. They do grow like weed. I look at some of the photos of anZel and I see dAd. I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy each moment with the children as that all things come in due time. There is no hurrying life, is there?

With 30 months behind me, I feel I have reached an important milestone myself. I wouldn’t have made it this far without a loving family, strong mums, amazing women and wonderful friends.

joy of motherhood >> 1q; y2

anZel has entered a new stage in his life. He has mastered one of the most powerful words in the world in English, Cantonese and Mandarin. That is “NO”. He dispenses generously it loud and clear throughout the day. Sometimes, it feels as if that’s the only word he knows. He has started to do more imaginary play recently. A couple days ago, he dropped a folded letter on the hardwood floor, put his right foot on it and said he was riding on a skateboard. I was shocked but proud of how creative he was with just a piece of paper. He has taken interest in cooking as well. He would put his little rubber ball in a scope, lay the scope on the apple of his Apple computer, push the button for the TV (next to his computer) and says he is cooking his meatball on the stove.

Over the Easter weekend, he had his first piece of Jelly Bean. I believed he is hooked for life. Anyone who offers candy will be in good terms with him. On our way to our friend Mike’s house on Easter Sunday, he asked if “Uncle Mike would have candy?” in Cantonese. We said you would have to ask in English. So we practice “Uncle Mike, could I have some candy, please?” Somehow, he was so eager to master the question that he asked for “money”. Nice try, kid!

We are still battling his lack of interest in food, even with bribe. He now weights 24 lbs with all of his clothes on. I have finally given in and let him feed himself several weeks ago. His pediatrician told me that his growth is fine and I should left the food issue alone. “Would you rather him be fat and miserable or thin and happy? he asked. I guess it would be more like anZel would be thin and happy. Mum, on the other hand, would be fat and miserable because relatives and acquaintances constantly hound her why she doesn’t feed her featherweight son.

It has been three and a half months since we welcome Arden home. She remains to be a cute and adorable blob of flesh. I am still amazed that we are blessed with such a beautiful little girl. I often admire the delicate veins under her translucent eyelids when she is asleep. A flash of her gum is pure joy. So far, Arden is a great sleeper. In that sense, I mean she likes to sleep, eat and sleep. If it were up to her, she would like to be held and sleep at all time. Arden’s lethal weapon is her cry. We always give in. Soon all of us will need hearing aids.

In preparing my reentry to work, I have started to trained Arden to nap in her bassinet. It has been five days. She has adapted remarkably well. After I swaddled her this afternoon, she was out cold in two minutes. Unlike her brother, she is an on-the-dot kind of girl and enjoys her routine.

I will be rid of the title mum of two under two in 14 days,. When I tell people the ages of my children, they often give me this sucks-to-be-you look. After all, the term two under two has drilled into our brains that having two children under two will permanently damage one’s brain (it’s true). So, should I expect the sky to clear after anZel’s second birthday? I doubt it.

I have realized that people (those with and/or without kids) will tell you things will get better. The fact is we are trying to give each other some sort of milestone to look forward to…to see the light at the end of the tunnel. “20 months apart, that’s perfect. They can play together.” “Three years apart is ideal.” “Six years apart works the best.” Really, I don’t think there is a perfect solution for deciding when to have first or second kid. It just all depends. As far as getting better, it also depends. There are benefits and challenges at each age/stage. When they are a blob of flesh, you won’t have to worry about them turning on the gas range. When they are two, you won’t have to worry about feeding them every two hours (for ours, we could skip feeding all together). Recently, I met a dad who has two girls. He told me that all of his summer weekends are booked because he would have to shuttle his girls to soccer practice or other children activities. So, it will get better, in some ways.

In talking to a dear friend today, I whined to her that it’s hard to be a mum. She said “but you have help.” Then I was finally able to tell her why it’s hard to be parents. For me, it’s hard because I can’t bear that there is only one of me when they both cry. No doubt it’s a physically demanding job as mum. All the picking up and rocking the kids have taken toll on my back. I never knew back pain until I have children. But all these can be overcome, especially when I am blessed with two healthy children. The hardest is when anZel wants me to be his playmate and Arden wants to nurse. Since anZel spends at least 40 hours out of the house, I cherish each second he has at home. Soon, I will be back at work. Each second I am at home is doubly precious.

joy of motherhood >> year end

2007 was gone in a blur for me. This may have to do with the 19-hour san drug labour I went through for Arden. Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannuka, Eid al-Adha and New Year came and left without much of celebration. We were all trying to survive with a 20 month old and newborn under one roof.

When I am not able to sleep at night (mostly because I want to make sure Arden is breathing), I try to think of how I could capture the 2007 year end report. How would I warp up the year, especially now that I am a mother of two under two.

I am glad I survived the long adjustment anZel made for daycare. He has adjusted so well that we recently received a little report from daycare saying he pulled a few strands of hair of classmate’s head, sat on a 10 month old’s head and hit one of his classmate. I was rather concerned about getting the note from school and was taken personally. Would this mean that I have failed in some ways in instilling good manners in anZel. dAd reminds me that it’s part of growing for anZel and me.

anZel continues to amaze all of us everyday with things he picks up from day care and from watching us. Being a big brother suits him well. When Arden cries, he will comfort her by telling her not to cry and he will protect her.

This year end report won’t be complete without mentioning the arrival of Miss Arden. I feel incredibly blessed to have the children I have. It’s an amazing feeling to look at her beautiful face and her long slender fingers. Another bonus is that she is a more cooperative breastfeeding partner than my last.

This time around, I realize some day the queen size bed will seem like a Cal King once they have their own beds; I can hear myself talk when they are at schools and there would be too much oxygen in my lungs once they stop sleeping on my chest.

joy of motherhood>>2nd quarter, year 2

Joy is when I see anZel shares his daily cheese with his bears and me. It’s when I see his little fingers snap together and says “spyter” requesting me to sing Itsy bitsy spider; when he says “I knoow”; when he asks for batteries because he can’t turn on his activity table; when he says “hanooo” with the phone next to his ear.

Fill in the blanks
Before anZel went to day care. I had the luxury of having grandma Helen filled me every hours of what anZel had done. Since going to day care, I have to rely on his teachers. Most of the time, they could never fulfill my inquiring mind. I want to know when he poop, eat and sleep, preferably in great details. Did he learn something new today? Did he sing his ABC song again? Has he sung his favorite “old McDonald” song? I cling on to everything they tell me. Sometimes I repeat to myself as if it would fill his day. I would send hungry vibes around Noon and sleep vibes around 1 pm.

According to the day care director, anZel took longer than usual to adapt than most of the children there because of his shy personalities. Initially, anZel’s behave changed dramatically. He became incredibly clingy to me as soon as he stepped in the house. He became a child I almost didn’t recognize and know. There were tantrums every night, something we weren’t familiar with before. I kept wondering where my reasonable sweet boy went. If this was the progress he would make by going to day care, perhaps it would have been better that he stayed home. It felt as if one has new cleaners at the house, every time you miss something in the house, you wonder if they took it.

In preparation for his day care, we started reciting what we have done each day (with details provided by Grandma Helen) two weeks before he started. Once he started day care, other than admiring all the buses, trucks and variety of cars, we would ask anZel what he has done at school everyday on our way home. He would usually say “old McDonald”, ABC and motorcycle. Once in a while, he would tell use a friend’s name from school. He drops little clues for us to piece together his day. The thought of buying the day care a web cam has crossed my mind.

Now that he has been there over 40 days, I realize his earlier behavior was a way to express his frustration with a completely foreign environment. Although he has picked up a few behaviors that we don’t care for, my sweet boy is back. I am amazed at the progress he has made. Because of the short time I get to share with him, I try make every minute counts with him. I was talking to him while driving home. I told him about the clouds we saw in a distant. Then I asked where the clouds were; he said “sky.” None of us have told him that, I was amazed to see how he connected clouds and planes are in the sky.

I still wish there would be ways for me to be part of his day other than the wee three hours. If this is a way to prepare for me to set him free, could I postpone this process?

Not in the books
None of the books would tell you that sleeping thru the night is an illusion. In anZel’s playgroup, only one baby really sleeps thru the night. That means she doesn’t get up in the middle of the night crying or asking for food. All other kids seem to get up one time or another just to make sure we know they are there. Thank you, but can we just leave that in the morning? When I was a single parent a couple weeks ago, anZel got up three or four times one night. One time, I think he did it just for fun (why else would you do it to your poor mother who looks like a beach whale?) Then he said his nose was stuffed up. After sucking every drop of moisture out of his nose, he woke up again and asked for a banana. Banana at 3AM? I said no and told him that if he asked for me one more time, I would close the door and let him go back to sleep by himself. With the sweetest voice you will hear at 3AM, he said “yes.” I lay down and told myself that he gave me the promise of the night. 10 minutes later, when I finally drifted back to sleep, I heard “mami.” ARRGGG! I closed the door of his side of the wing and the master bedroom door and slept without care if he was going to CIO or suck all the silicon out of his pacifier.

joy of motherhood >> 1st quarter year 2

15 months. I can’t say that I have grown as much as anZel. Well, I have grown in ways I prefer not to. I will expand on that later.

Although anZel has improved a great deal in his food consumption, he still operates on minimum food in take each day. Comparing to children his age, he eats like a bird and therefore weights like one. I believe he has finally broken the 20lb mark. Friends ask if anZel has a favorite food. Really, this child doesn’t like to eat. He eats his regular steel cut oatmeal w/fruit or yogurt, rice with veggies and chicken, milk and string cheese. These are his daily staple. While these are relatively healthy food and choices, variety isn’t in the book for us at the moment.

I have never imagined how much joy it is to see the world from my child’s eyes. Yesterday, as I strapped him into his car seat, he pointed at the door light on the roof of the car and said “light”. anZel is no Thomas Edison. Nonetheless, I can’t help but amaze at how much he understands and sees the world all around him. He pointed at an elderly man walking on the side walk and said “grandpa” this morning. You mean he can think on his own? Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask if this is really the blob that refused to understand that we were not poisoning him with milk or food.

There are times I wish I could document every minute of his life so far. He seems to surprise all of us on a daily basis. I love to see him slowly back into the stair and sit down. Sometimes he misses and sits on the floor with a thump. He also likes to brushes his teeth with us in the morning. He asks for his toothbrush, walks to our platform bed, and slowly backs to the edge of the bed to sit while brushing. Lately, he has grown tired of what he sees at 30” level. He would ask to be held whatever possible to see what’s going on at 5’2” level. If I am lucky, he would hug me and pat me on my back after I lift him up.

anZel’s favorite thing to do lately has been opening and closing lids…equal opportunities for pots and bottles or anything with lids. If he accidentally picks up the lid with his right hand, he would put everything down on the floor neatly and pick up the lid with his left hand. I guess we have a lefty here.

One thing I am embarrassed to admit is that anZel is probably the cleanest person of the three of us. He takes after Grandma Helen. He picks up his toys before his bath (almost) every night. He has free range of the cabinets in the kitchen except the ones under the sink. Whenever he does an excavation, he puts all the content back.

joy of motherhood >> year end

The past year has flown by. I never understood this type of time lapse before having anZel. When we were having a rough day, it seemed to take forever to get past five minutes. Looking back at the year as a whole, it went by as if we brought him home three months ago. The first three months were the most challenging for all of us. Between anZel’s various health problems, breastfeeding and eczema, we were in and out of the hospital 22 times the first three months.

I have always been a talker and have probably enjoyed talking a little too much at times. When we brought the precious cargo home, my dad kept telling me to talk to anZel. I never thought twice about it. I am a talker. I will talk till the pigs fly. Reality sets in. I realize while I enjoy talking, I really don’t enjoy repeating the same thing over and over and over and over again. For the 100th time, don’t touch the plug; eat your oatmeal; don’t eat your shoe or mine; drink your water; don’t stand up in the tub; brush your teeth. I don’t really enjoy talking any more.

As anZel grows more independent, something get easier while others are more challenging. Being mobile is one of them. In a flash, he may be up the stairs or pulling all the content out of a draw. Being able to talk is another. When we were outside talking to our neighbors last night, anZel proceeded to walk down the sidewalk. I asked him where he was going. He said “street”. I was shocked as we have never taught him in such context. I guess talking to kids help but do I have to repeat myself OVER and OVER and OVER again?

I have been asked lately if it is rewarding to be a mother/parent. My answer is between stress of balancing work and family and providing the optimal environment for him, I haven’t thought much about the rewards. The process of becoming a mother happened so quickly that it never occurred to me that I should be looking for rewards. I would feel rather disappointed if I was hoping that parenting is incredibly rewarding. Frankly, the rewards are so far in between that it would be silly to focus on them at all. Instead, I believe parenting is an experience and can be rewarding at times.

All and all, this has been an incredible year. To see anZel’s personality surface is an amazing experience. So far, he seems to be laid back like his dAd. He likes to share (though he probably would like his favorite toy back in a jiffy). He loves to talk like his grandma. And he is gentle. Sleep and eating issues aside, we are truly blessed to be such a wonderful child. Neither dAd nor I can take any credit for who he is as he comes as himself.

joy of motherhood >> 3rd quarter

I opened the garage door to get ready for work this morning. anZel started to wave bye bye to me. My nose muscles contracted and tears filled my eyes. I thought the past three months have been good training to be away from this 28” bundle for ten hours a day.

Some days, I marveled at how the past three months have flown by. However, when I look at the day to day struggle of balancing work and home, it seems long and I am glad I have made it this far. Hands down to those who do parenting alone or don’t have family or friends close by. Nine months down this path, I have not been converted to one of those mums who say motherhood is the best thing ever happen to them. In fact, when I think of this sentiment, I am terrified that I am a terrible mum for not enjoying myself. When will this epiphany come to me?

anZel has transformed from the blob of flesh to a little person. I am constantly amazed that he is becoming a person. To be honest, I am amazed that there something between his ears. He can identify numerous things around the house. We have also been teaching him the “dangerous” things in the house. I told him that the power supply for my laptop was “dangerous” one day. He saw the power supply the next day and waved his hand saying “no”. Do you mean I am not just talking to a blob of flesh? Each morning, he opens the blinds in the morning and closes them in the evening with me. He always directs me where to open and close the blinds when I tell him it’s time to do so. At night, he shrieks when I tell him it’s time for books.

Then I start to think about how we decide that this miniature have no idea of how this world work? I don’t know if it’s because I have never been around children until now. It is about the same sorry feeling that we feel we are much happier than those who live in third world country. I felt as qualified as I could be to lead anZel when he was born. As he grows and learns, I feel less confident. If he is able to connect the two and two together, pretty soon he will realize I am not much of a leader for him. Motherhood is as much learning from the child as teaching or leading.

The joy of motherhood–2nd quarter

I am happy to report that the second quarter has been much better than the first. I am able to see more “reward” in being a mum. First of all, he is no long a blob of fresh. Things have definitely gotten easier in some ways and hard in others. All these growth/progress are a mixed blessing—anZel is growing as a person and is becoming more independent.

One of the most important milestones was anzel sleeping thru the night since he was 19 weeks. That means 12 hours for us. Occasionally, he might wake up a couple of times during the night because of nightmares or just want to keep us on our toes and let us know who the boss is. We are all grateful for this much needed rest we have been having. He has also learned to fall asleep on his own at night. I had a lump in my throat standing outside of his bedroom waiting for him to go to sleep last night. He was talking and playing by himself before falling asleep. How the past three months has flown by in a blink of an eye! I now miss rocking him to sleep until my arm falls asleep. I miss cuddling with him before going to bed. His independence makes me feel incredibly cheated as I have to return to work when he is much more interactive. From seeing him 24×7 to only two hours a day is a huge adjustment on my part. Now that he is able to fall asleep by himself…I feel my time with him is slowly chipping away. I can only imagine later that a dump truck is probably more fun than mummy’s kisses and hugs and pee-a-poo. Perhaps I don’t mind that blob of flesh as much as I think.

Other than the four-month regular check up and a little ER visit for his rash, anzel has only been in the hospital two times in the past three months. That’s a huge improvement compare to the 22 times in the first quarter. That said, he had his first cold and tummy ache. It took him almost two weeks to get over his cold. During those two weeks, Dad and I had fun being anzel’s plumber by sucking fluid out of his nose. Watching him throw up, on the other hand, is not as much fun. He caught some sort of bug and was not able to keep any fluid down for a good six hours. It was heartbreaking to watch him throw up. It was unlike any projectile we had seen. I could actually see his stomach muscle contracting. Sure glad it is behind us now.

Anzel is definitely showing his personality more. He is a pretty serious and mellow guy. He doesn’t like to laugh much but would always award us with a big grin with peek-a-boo. He doesn’t fuss much these days either. He is happy hanging out with us whether we are at the shops and restaurants. He likes to take it all in by watching people or cars go by. When he sees something he likes, he will mostly raise his hands. If needed, he would give a good shout.

He is now on See Food Diet. For most people, that means you appreciate the food with your eyes not your mouth. Not for my little bean here. Whatever he sees, he wants to eat it or at least have a taste. Shoes, keys, toes, neck, dirty rag. This reminds me of a saying that some people will eat anything with four legs except a table. Anzel would probably go as far as tasting a table whether it has three or four legs.

There are a few words he seems to respond to…they are car, squirrel and a gourd with seashell. I believe he likes car because he likes their movement. The squirrel and gourd are another story. Whenever anzel refuses to eat, Grandma Helen would always bring him to the glass sliding door facing the yard and tells him that there are squirrels out there (There is a family of three baby squirrels living on an Italian cypress.) The squirrels may be too fast for anzel to see. But he seems to understand that there is something out there that he shouldn’t be missing. There is also a gourd with seashell from Mexico. Anzel likes to touch the shells when he is out in the yard. He also seems to understand “wait”. When he gets antsy, I would tell him “wait”. He usually would stop for a little while. He has also started to talk a bit more. Lately, everything is a variation of “da da”. This makes Dad extremely happy and proud.

I have learned a lot during the past three months. It’s hard to pinpoint when I realize that motherhood can actually be enjoyable with guilty-free moments of pure joy. I no longer feel guilty and jealous when I hear mothers who are soaked in the joy of motherhood. I also realize what incredible job I have as a parent without second guessing myself all the time if I am qualify for the job. I also have much deeper appreciations for all parents, especially my own parents. I have crossed the chasm of singleton to motherhood. I have truly enjoyed the second quarter, so much so that I am starting to understand why OTHER people are crazy enough to have baby #2.